Thoughts on Mother's Day... But Not for Hallmark

Shh... don't tell my kids... I don't really care for Mother's Day.  I'm aware that this sounds like a very un-Motherly thing to admit, but living in me is still a woman who lived through a number of sad Mother's Days, and try as I might, I can't forget that woman.

During the infertility years, Mother's Day was probably the most dreaded day of the year for me.  This is a day that served to remind me of everything I wished for but couldn't have.  You wouldn't have found me at church on Mother's Day, or out in a restaurant.  I knew from my relationships with others who also struggled with infertility, that this dread of the 'Parenting Holidays' is common.

Even after my oldest son, Geoffrey, was born, I still remembered that feeling of being 'less than' the other women.  As much as I wanted to embrace Mother's Day, mainly for his sake, I just still felt a bit empty inside.

Several years after Geoffrey was born, when we were once again struggling with infertility, I had in fact become pregnant, but suffered a miscarriage... on Mother's Day.  I still remember that morning, being dressed and ready to leave the house for church.  I was filled with so much hopefulness for what was to come.  I actually can picture exactly what I was wearing, and I recall sitting next to Geoffrey on the couch and having our photo taken.  I was plunged into a deep sadness that morning, one I was familiar with as it was my second miscarriage. 

God did a good work in my heart after that loss.  I listened to the promptings He placed on my heart and knew He was leading us into adoption.  I know first-hand how something beautiful and good can come out of something so awful.  If I hadn't had my loss, I wouldn't have the family I have today.  I wouldn't have my daughter, Hope.

Of course, I wasn't finished with loss, as I've already written about here.  We recently lost our son whom we adopted at the same time as our daughter.  We have had to move him out of our home and into a new family.  This is something we never anticipated.  I never expected to be on this side of adoption, to be the parent releasing her child to another mother.  I am still sure of God's leading in this situation, and I know in my heart we have done the right thing.  But there is still that familiar ache of loss today as I am reminded once again of what I thought would be.

I am aware that there are many women experiencing an aching today.  Those women, too, I cannot forget.  They are the women who so desperately want to be mothers, and cannot.  They are the women who have lost a child.  They are birth mothers who let their child go to live a different life with another mother.  They are those who have lost their own mother.

I pray peace for these women today, and a fullness of blessing that fills up the sad and empty spaces. 

I am fully aware today, also, of the significance of the blessings I have received.  That God has seen fit to make me the Mother of these two most precious children is so tremendous!  My children have come to me in different ways, but both have come to me through loss.  And I know that this is just as it should be.  These children are mine, just as God intended.  And I know that I am exactly who I am because of the path I have followed.  The truth is, I wouldn't change any of it.  I have my God, and He has given me everything I need.

And so today, I hold my children close and I am thankful.  I practice again letting go of the old places that still hurt, but I am gentle with myself in remembering that it will take time.  And I am happy.  It is a Blessed Life.