God in ...

It is easy to feel God when you are happy, things are going well (or the way you want them to).  It is easy to praise God on days full of smile and laughter.

We know God is in our times of contentment, we can see God so clearly when our hearts feel full.

But, I know God is in other moments, too.  I feel God in sadness, for He is my Father and just as I would comfort my child when he or she is sad, so will God comfort me.  I feel God in brokenness, for Jesus was broken upon the cross.  I feel God in suffering, for God's Word tells me: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us..." (Romans 5:3-5) 

So, in one of these kind of  moments, when I am seeking God and wanting and needing to feel Him, feel free to join me as I climb up into His lap.

saying goodbye to my inner 'fat girl'

A long time ago, I was a young girl who was overweight.  Well, I guess you could say I was the 'fat girl.'  Other kids, especially girls, were cruel... and I still remember what it was like to be singled out and teased.  I wanted to change, but I didn't exactly know how, nor did I ever have the real commitment I would need to see it through.  I remember one school year, telling the other girls before summer vacation that I was going to lose weight that summer.  Under the leadership of one particularly mean girl, all the girls laughed at me, saying I would never do that.

I tried to keep my weight under control during high school, but always felt that I was still that 'fat girl' compared to the other girls, who seemed to be thin so easily.  My senior year we had a career fair the same day that I happened to have a check up scheduled at my doctor's office.  I still remember how, when I mentioned the career fair, the nurse told me I could be a model if I would only lose weight.  (Don't all fat girls at one time or another recieve a similar comment?   It's meant to seem like a compliment... something about what a pretty face you have, but what they are really saying is you are fat.)

I went off to college a heavy girl, and my weight did not improve in that setting.  My first year I was extremely unhappy and lonely.  I didn't eat in the cafeteria since that would mean being alone in a crowd full of people.  So I stayed in my room and made (unhealthy) food in the microwave.  I was still alone, but at least I wasn't alone with people looking.  That's what I told myself.  That year I was also involved in a very unhealthy relationship with a young man who constantly put me down.  I still remember the day I had started exercising with another girl on my floor, and this boyfriend questioned why she was exercising since she was not the one who needed it.  That was the last day I exercised with her... I just gave up. 

I transferred to a new college (and ended that relationship) at the end of my freshman year.  I never did get my weight issues corrected during college, and by the time I graduated,  was shopping exclusively in plus-sizes.  Where I used to be able to squeeze into a size 14, I was now wearing at least a 16 or 18. 

I had fallen in love with a young man (my now husband) who never even seemed to notice, let alone care, that I had a weight problem.  We got married the summer after graduating from college.  My wedding gown was a size 22, and even that had to be further altered so it would fit.  I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter, but, to this day, it bothers me to have been that large on that happy day.

After our wedding, my weight continued to climb, and I also had been diagnosed with a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  Women with PCOS often have extreme weight problems, and it can be very difficult to lose weight with PCOS.  PCOS can also cause infertility, which it did for me, but that is another part of my story to be told another time...

By the time I became pregnant with my son, Geoffrey, I was already 200 pounds, and by the end of my pregnancy I had exceeded 250 pounds.  The whole first year after he was born, I think I still stayed in the 230s.  I was also struggling at the time with an unknown condition... I was in constant pain and suffered with extreme levels of exhaustion.  As it turns out, I had something called fibromyalgia.  And, in my opinion, that is probably what saved my life.

See... having that diagnosis changed me.  And I don't mean just a little, or for a while.  My health finally became important to me when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 10 years ago.  I certainly didn't enjoy feeling "sick" and "tired" all the time (I now knew what people meant when they would say "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.")  I started trying to learn what I could do to help my fibromyalgia improve.  Know what I came across time and time again?  ... Exercise!

So, I started to exercise, slowly, and just a little, but over time weight started to come off.  I talked about some of the details of my weight loss journey in a previous post.  Ten years after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I now weigh one hundred pounds less than I did at my heaviest.  I have also changed in many ways that are not measurable on a bathroom scale.  I am a healthy, active, confident and connected woman who also happens to be an athlete.  Never could I have imagined, back during those 'fat' days, ever reaching a point where I could define myself in those ways. 

I also never could have imagined reaching this point in my journey... the next step!  I have recently become certified to teach indoor cycling, and have been hired at the Y to teach my own class!  Indoor cycling, or spinning as it is called, is something that initially intimidated me when I would be doing my workout at the Y.  I would see that spinning class going on, and I would think to myself, "I could never do that!"  It just looked too hard.  For months, I convinced myself that I couldn't do it, so I never even tried.  Last spring, though, I just decided that because it intimidated me, that it was something I needed to try.  And so I did, and I found that, not only could I do it, but I actually could do it well (over time) and I really enjoyed it.

That inner 'fat girl' in me still cannot believe sometimes how much I have changed!  But she is slowly catching on.  See, it takes the mind a little longer than the body sometimes to 'catch up' with the changes.  Like when I go shopping and still reach for a size 10, instead of the 8 or 6 (yes, 6!) that I actually can wear now!  Or when I see a photo that was taken of me, and find that I am surpised to see that I look thin (my mind still expects a chubbier version of my current self).  But, mostly, what I want is to say goodbye to that inner 'fat girl,' because I know I do not need her any longer.  She is holding on to too many hurts of the past, and those are things that I can never go back and undo for her.  It's like the quote I included at the top of this post ~ I can't go back and make a new beginning, but I can make a new ending.  So to that little girl who couldn't play teeter-totter without suffering embarrassment, to the middle schooler who was  teased and made to feel unworthy, to the high schooler who never felt good enough or thin enough, to the young college woman who never learned how to take care of herself, and to the adult former me (the one who carried those 100 extra, unnecessary, burdensome pounds)... it is new ending time!  While my past was defined by limitations, my future is defined by unlimited potential!  And this time, I will not be the one who puts limits on where I might go, or what I might do next. 

Goodbye 'fat girl!'

2001



2012



Hello new ending!

I'm Not My Finished Product

My dear, sweet friend Jen, author of the blog Random Simple Things, opened up my eyes to something important just the other day in her post titled, "wake up, People!"

I'd like to invite you to click on over to her blog and check it out.  Keep your mind and heart open and see which area of your own life you may find yourself being challenged in.  For Jen, it was her People magazine  For me, it is my long-time viewing habit of the soap opera "Days of Our Lives."  I had to ask myself how my immersion in the story lines of this show helps me to be who God intends me to be... The answer is obvious (that it doesn't!), but I have put off acknowledging that for a long, long time.  I told myself that it was harmless, my own "guilty pleasure," as Jen puts it.

No more.  That is not good enough.  See, I am not my finished product... I am still striving each day to be molded and shaped into the person God sees when He sees me, that person He intended me to be when He first thought of me.  And when I look at each day in those terms, there simply isn't room for that kind of "soul pollution."

I can't put my show in the garbage with Jen's People magazines, but I will be clearing it off of my TiVo today, and will not be watching it any longer.  The devil isn't going to mess with this Mama either!  Thanks, Jen, for the inspiration!

Not a Hair Blog: Bantu Knots and Finger Coils

Following Hope's beautiful and very fabulous pigtails of a few weeks ago, I styled her hair into another very cool look... in fact, when she wears this style, I tell her she looks like a rock star! 

Bantu Knots are a really fun (and fast & easy) way to style Hope's hair.  Since she does have swimming lessons once a week and wears a swim cap for that, though, this style is not really the best for long wearing.  Since the Bantu Knots are actually formed with two-stranded rope twists, I was able to extend the time in between stylings by having Hope wear her hair in a sort of transitional style using those twists.  That looked cute, too!

So, yesterday, we set to work on removing this style and setting a new one. I used a time-saving technique by washing and conditioning Hope's hair with these twists still in.  (This saves a lot of time on detangling.)  I then removed just one at a time, detangled, and set the section in finger coils.  Finger coils are just basically a one-stranded twist.  I've actually never done them on Hope before, and I am so glad that I gave them a try because they look just adorable on her! 

You can see how these finger coils really show off Hope's natural curl pattern.  What you can't easily see in this style is just how long her hair is getting!  That is because as each curl dries, it shrinks up significantly.  But as the person who did each of these finger coils, I can assure you, the girl's hair is really long!  We probably won't keep this style in any more than the next two weeks for a couple of reasons.  This style could result in the hair actually locking, which is not something we are interested in doing at Hope's young age.  I do think Hope would look really nice in locs, but since they are permanent once set, she would need to be older to be a part of that decision (in my opinion).  The other reason is that she will be having her very first set of school pictures taken the first week of November (that's right... school pictures!), and so I'll be putting in something special for that.

As always, Hope looks beautiful and fabulous!!  And I do feel so blessed to be able to take care of her gorgeous hair.  I am glad she is learning from such a young age to love and appreciate her curls!

supergirl

As Hope settled herself under the blanket on the couch,wearing her Supergirl costume (and those fabulous glasses), she informed us, "Cause super heroes have to sleep."

how cute is this?

I'd wear pink cowboy boots, too, if I could pull off the look!  That together with the Hello Kitty t-shirt and the pink polka dot head scarf just puts Hope's "Cute Factor" over the top today!

Equally cute was what Hope had to say about it when I told her she was just too cute.  Since she is often told by her brother or one of her parents that she is so cute we could just 'eat her up,' she immediately told me, "Don't eat me up!"

Meet Willow

What can I say?  You know how you hear people referred to as "dog people" or "cat people?"  Well, I am was a "dog person" only, and definitely am was not a "cat person."

Enter Willow.  She is our new cat... yes, I said cat!



A few weeks ago, we became aware that we had an anonymous benefactor leaving mice on our front doorstep.  Suspecting a neighborhood cat, I left out some tuna as a reward and incentive to continue the job well done.  Sure enough, it was a cat, but sadly, she had no owner.  (We did check throughout the neighborhood.) 

Now, since I have not to this point defined myself as a "cat person," it surprised me how happy I was that no one in our neighborhood claimed this cat.  See, I also have a pretty healthy fear of cats (just ask my best friends, who each have cats and have seen my reaction when one of their cats comes near).  But, for some reason, I feel completely comfortable with this cat, who I have now come to call Willow.

We were not seeking to become cat owners, but Willow found us and never looked back. 

She spent many days curled up on a towel I had placed on the front porch for her underneath a small table. 

I knew Willow had firmly placed herself in our family the day I arrived home and one of my neighbors was getting ready to load her in her car.  She said to me, "I'm going to take the cat," and while I probably should have been saying, "Great!  Let me help you load her," instead my heart just sank.  I didn't want anyone to take the cat, because she had become our cat.

So, surprise!  Now Willow has a home and a family, and we have a cat!  Who would have thought? 

Now, not to sound overly philosophical about a cat finding her way into our family, but there are some of you reading this that know why these last few weeks have been difficult and emotional for me and Steve.  And so maybe I have taken some comfort in the arrival of this sweet cat. 

The only thing left to do is tell our dog, right?  :)  At least, for now, she is blissfully unaware as she has been staying at my parent's house.  She is due to return home soon, so that's a bridge to cross later.  But since my parents have recently welcomed a beagle puppy, our Kayla is hopefully becoming more flexible about sharing personal space.  We shall see!

more from ballet class

Hope is a few weeks into her first ballet class.  Parents are not allowed into the class (sad face...) but I took some photos of her before class last week.  She looks so cute I just had to share!

Their Big Race

Last Sunday, for the third year in a row, Geoffrey and Steve participated in the nearby Apple Cider Century bike race.  Their participation in the event, which seems to be becoming a tradition for them, began in 2010.

"Am I ready for this?"

Accomplishment!

I am so proud of both of them!  Who knows?  Maybe in a few years Hope & I will be ready to join them...

Not a Hair Blog: Hope's New 'Do

I'm back, with another installment in my "Not a Hair Blog" feature.  A few weeks ago, I shared Hope's pink yarn twists.  Well, they were a big hit!  Not only did Hope recieve lots of compliments on the look, more importantly... she loved those pink twists!!

We got a good three weeks out of the yarn twists.  Even though they still looked great, I took them out last weekend because some of the twists seemed as though they were starting to lock, which is not what we wanted to happen.  The twists came out so easily!  They left behind a beautiful curl pattern.



So, after wearing her twist-out to church Sunday, it was time to wash and condition Hope's beautiful hair.  We had decided on a very simple look for her next style... and yes, I do mean "we," meaning Hope and me.  She will wear this style only for about a week, because it is not a long-lasting protective style.  But it sure is fun and cute!

(This was Day One)

(This was taken on Day Three of the style)

So, you can see the style consists of two pigtails, formed by a center part, with one braid along the face.  Before bed, I do take a few minutes to add moiturizer to Hope's hair and then either braid or twist each pigtail.  This helps keep her hair from drying out and from tangling too much.  In the morning, then, I just remove the braids or twists and finger-comb through each section. 

What you can't see here in the photos is just how soft and bouncy these pigtails are!  They have lots of movement, and Hope thinks they are fabulous!  Which, as I always say, is what it is all about!